Communicating in a Relationship

There are so many important areas that a couple need to be aware of in the area of communication. For communication to flourish in a relationship there are some key areas that a couple needs to be made aware of.

First of all, they need to be able to feel safe and to think for themselves. The “hot spots” are one or both in a relationship can become too distant or the other extreme is too controlling. Too much distance can occur when the husband and wife are not talking enough for both to feel “connected.” One person is too often silent, unable to share deep feelings or simply closes the other person out of his or her private life. Often a couple gets too busy to stay in touch emotionally; one’s job may require too much time away from home. This is especially true, I find, when a couple has a new borne arrive in the home. As the wife’s attention is given to this new gift from God, less time and attention is given to the husband. In response, he will, and in most cases unwittingly, turn to his job, hobby, or some other thing to feel a connection. However, if even one person feels this “distance,” resentment can spread quickly.

On the other side, you have the situation of over-control. This is where one spouse is dominating the other and will choose where the couple will live, go to church, and take vacations; making everyday decisions; and so on. The one being controlled can lose a sense of personal identity and eventually not know clearly what he or she wants or who he or she really is and what, if any, role they play in the relationship, if any at all.

Because of this, it’s important for the couple to work at staying “connected” and to do that they both need to share dreams with each other, deep feelings. They need to learn to value the opinion of their spouse and allow them to have an opinion.

I have to admit, that I was somewhat insensitive to my wife’s thinking process in the early years of our marriage. I believed many stereotypes about the female “emotional” way of thinking; at times I would discount her ideas because of my desire to have everything “perfectly logical.” That’s not always the superior way, as we like to think. Now, having been married for awhile, I am beginning to learn to not only listen to my wife’s ideas but seek it out as much as I can. She’s got that women’s intuitiveness and thinking process that keeps me out of a lot of messes.

Secondly, each must value what the other person is saying. This has to do with how they choose to talk and to listen. I believe it’s important to emphasize that we need to learn to think about what you are about to say before you say it. This is especially true if it has to do with an area of contention. Often it’s also best to give a “warning order” (that’s my 21 years of military coming out) and tell the person in a question format that they need to talk about something a little later. This gives the person time to prepare themselves before your jumping on them “from the top ropes” (that’s a wrestling analogy). Then have a “good” and “positive” conversation first. The Parrot’s give some great examples of how not to communicate by “placating, blaming, computing, and distracting.” They also give some great examples of how to “package” your communication in a way so it has “warmth, genuineness, and empathy.”[1]

Talking, however, is normally not the greatest area of concern but listening on the other hand takes some skill and practice to be effective at it. This is where it is important to listen with the attitude that what you hear expressed is valued, even if you disagree. Perception is reality. It really doesn’t matter whether or not what is being said is “right” because by not butting in and purposely listening creates the environment of safety and will give the person a sense of value. You will discover that many times people just want to talk through some things and need a place to do it. Men often feel that they have to fix something or to solve the problem when in reality our wives just want us to shut-up and listen. If we don’t purpose to do be an active listener, it will eventually leave our wives feeling frustrated when all she wants is to be heard. This means the spouse must listen actively and not ritualistically. Petersen describes ritual listening as “while others talk, ritual listeners prepare.”[2] In doing so, they stop listening and look for the opportunity to either prove that they are wrong (defense) or come up with the solution. In other words, they stop listening and start forming their response before the other person finishes. To actively listen then, I tell couples to use the “brief back” method of communication. I was taught this in that Army and used it for 21 years and never realized how effective it could be in my own relationship. I have also seen it in books and has been described as “drive through communication.” In other word, to be an active listener is to be like the person who takes orders in a drive through. To make sure they got it right they repeat back what you ordered to make sure “they heard you right.” Many problems in marriage or any other relationships are because of miscommunication and this technique helps greatly to diminish it.

Thirdly, there needs to be a level of vulnerability where the couple shares their deeper feelings. Yes, that means us guys too. Dr. Garry Smalley identifies 5 levels of communication: (1) clichés – just catch phrases, (2) facts—just information, (3) opinions – here is where communication feels a bit more unsafe and conflict may arise, (4) feeling – opening up this way can be scary, but we can reach the deeper levels of loving and being loved only when we put ourselves at risk of having our feelings misunderstood or ridiculed, and (5) needs – to risk this level of venerable intimacy, we have to feel secure in the relationship.[3] I have found that most couples don’t even get to the third level. I tell them if in their communication they hear the actual words “I feel, and I need” that they probably have good deep communication. That translates into a close connected relationship, that is growing.

Because we are involved in communicating all the time, most of us assume we do it well, which is not always the case. Every spouse needs to realize that good communication is not so much a matter of the words that are said but of the attitude of the heart. Because of that it’s also good to look at the biblical principles and practices that will enable them to maintain good communications.

The Bible is very clear how damaging our conversation can be:
Ø Horse and bit (James 3:2-3)
Ø Ship and rudder (Jams 3:4)
Ø Boasting tongue (James 3:5a)
Ø Tongue as fire (James 3:5b-6)
Ø Tongue as serpent (Proverbs 18:21)
Ø Tongue as sword (Proverbs 12:18)

James 1:19 is the fundamental principle of good communication in being “Swift to hear, Slow to speak, Slow to wrath.”

Another key, that I will address more at a later time, is not if we get angry, but how we respond to anger. “A soft , gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). Ephesians 4:25-32 portrays a godly example of good communication. Don’t lie, speak the truth, be angry and don’t sin, and be willing to reconcile immediately.

Let me end by challenging you to listen to your conversation with your wife or husband and identify if you are communicating effectively. How can you do this? There are a couple of different ways. First, see how often you hear the words or if you feel safe to say the words “I need and I feel.” If not, you have a relationship that is shallow and one or both of you aren’t willing to communicate in a deep level. Secondly, do you listen on purpose? Remember listening is a skill that is only developed with practice. Do you wait for your spouse to finish what they are saying and then give a “brief back” to ensure you understood correctly? Or do you stop listen and begin to form a response and interject before they even finish. Thirdly, do you or does your spouse make all the decisions? Or do you decide things together? Often times, this is as easy as forming a question instead of making a statement. An example might be that you have decided that you need a new dress or a new power tool. Instead of telling your spouse what you have decided put it in a question instead and package it with a lot of sugar. “Honey, what do you think about me possibly getting a new dress? Or, “Honey, I really could use a new riding lawn mower, what do you think?

It works! But communication takes work!

[1] Parrot, Les & Leslie (2006). Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts (81-82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan
[2] Petersen, James C. (2007). Why Don’t We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. (116) Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications.
[3] Smalley, Gary. (2001). Secrets of Lasting Love. (131) New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Publications